This is simply a recipe for disaster.
As I look at it, there are five different types of insecure people:
Those who tackle their insecurities with humor.
Those who wrap themselves in positivity and pretend they have no insecurities.
Those who verbally (and constantly) doubt themselves and put themselves down.
Those who make up all sorts of fabulous stories and tales about themselves that aren’t true.
And, the much harder to spot insecure people – those who act out of insecurity to try and cover up.
But before I go on, it should be noted that we all have insecurities. We all have areas of our lives in which we aren’t 100% confident. We are all insecure people, in one way or another. There is nothing wrong with that. It is an important part of the human experience.
I tend to tackle my insecurities with bold humor…. as you all know!
I’m also not the kind of person who pretends she has no insecurities. You know, the “perma-positive, nothing can ever get me down because I’m in charge of my own destiny and my own happiness, therefore there is no room in my life for insecurities” kind of person.
And I’m most thankful for is that I’m not the kind of insecure person that tends to act out of insecurity when I do experience it…anymore. Seeing how ugly it makes a person.
Now, I don’t use the word “act” lightly. It has two meanings to me when I use it.
First, it means that it’s a person who pretends to be someone he’s not.
Second, it means that it’s a person who is actually exerting energy to do something.
These people and their insecurities are often hard to pin down and identify because so much of their lives is one giant deflection from the truth, and they’ll almost certainly deny it if you call them out on it. But stick with me, and I will offer you a guide that will help you decipher many of the ways I’ve found to tell when someone is acting out of insecurity.
They will tell you how ugly they think other people are.
Someone who is insecure about their looks will often point to someone across the room, or across the gym, or on their phone screen, and point just out how ugly they think they are, or what all their faults are, or how awful their clothes are. Trust me. This is because they themselves are insecure. People who are okay with themselves never have a need to point out the physical faults or fashion transgressions of others. Ever.
They will publicly denigrate those they were once close to.
Someone who is insecure about how they’ve acted or treated someone else will publicly defame or bad-mouth that other person (we’ve all seen it on Facebook), and even worse, they will offer only one side of the story. Theirs. But there are two sides to every pancake (no matter how thin) and I guarantee anyone who does this knows a doozy of another side that they really don’t want seen or heard. Trust me. People who didn’t have a major part in the demise of said friendship or relationship have no need to defame the person from their past. Ever.
They will brag. Often.
Someone who is insecure about how much they have accomplished in their lives, or in their careers, or in their relationships, or in their goals, will brag about everything they have done or accomplished. Constantly. This is not to be confused with confidence. Confidence is when you refuse to belittle your own accomplishments to make others feel better. Bragging is when you want others to feel worse about their own so you hype up yours. Trust me. People who are okay with where their life is at, where it’s going, and what they’ve accomplished so far, have no need to brag. Ever.
They will always make an excuse when they trample on other people.
Someone who knows that they are treating other people’s time and relationships as disposable will always have a “really good excuse” (and rarely an apology) as to why they always show up half an hour late, or why they don’t treat their friends and family better, or why they talk bad behind your back. Their excuses are always somehow noble and if you question them, it is you who becomes the jerk. Trust me. People who genuinely care about you, your relationship, your time, and your trust have no reason to treat you like that. Ever.
They will tell you things about people you love that is none of your business.
The most insecure people will always find a way to lay out awful and random details about other people’s lives at your feet when you least expect it. It is their attempt at deflecting any negative thought you could have about them before you have the chance to have it. Trust me. People who aren’t afraid that you are judging them and their lives have no need to gossip about other people and share hurtful information about them. Ever.
They will be a bad loser when they lose.
There is nothing this type of insecure person hates more than losing. At anything. And when they do lose, they will tell you all sorts of reasons why their loss isn’t really a loss, or why it wasn’t fair, or why the other person had an imbalanced advantage, or how they know that the other person was cheating. Trust me. People who don’t define themselves by the times that they lose at things, and people who understand that nobody can win at everything, have no need to do anything but put out their hand and say “good game” (or the equivalent of it) when they lose.
Even worse, they will be a bad winner when they win.
Someone who rubs in their win (outside of a playful smack-talk setting), or who tells you every way you went wrong to lose to them, or who goes around telling everyone else about your loss, is an insecure bad winner. They are either preemptively striking your next win, or they are covering up their past losses, or they are attempting to squelch any doubt others obviously might now have about their abilities. Trust me. Good winners have no need to do anything but put out their hand and say “good game”(or the equivalent of it) when they do win.
They will constantly compare everything negative they see in the world to their exes.
Someone who is insecure about their past romantic relationships, or how those relationships ended, will constantly point out negative things they spot in other people or other relationships and make sure you know that their ex used to do those things, or that their ex used to say those things, or that their ex is “just like that.” Trust me. People who are working on themselves and have chalked up their break-ups to learning experiences, have no need to constantly tie their exes to negative behavior they are currently seeing. Ever.
They will refuse to see the positive in those that intimidate them most.
Both light and darkness exist in us all. Positive and negative. Strength and weakness. And even though sometimes it seems like it, there is no person on earth who is all one and none the other, I promise you. Someone who is intimidated by another’s greatness, light, or achievement, though, will work seemingly endlessly to bring that other person down. They will ceaselessly search for and point out to others the negatives and the weaknesses within those who make them feel most unconfident, and they will not, under any circumstances ever acknowledge the goodness that also exists. Trust me. People who know that they themselves are a beautiful balance of the good and the bad, and people who understand that others are a beautiful balance of the same, have no need to find only the negative in others. Ever.
They will eternally pin you into the mistakes of your past.
Some people feel so defined by their past mistakes and their past failures that they refuse to ever let you move past yours. They search for any moment in time where you were less than perfect or where you made a mistake, and they will attempt to make everyone label you by that mistake forever more. They will not see any of the great things you have been, done, or accomplished since. Trust me. People whose past mistakes don’t haunt them and define them have no reason to hold onto your past mistakes. Ever.
Humor is a beautiful way to deal with fear, and isn’t that what insecurity really is? Isn’t it just… fear?
Fear of the judgments of others? Fear of the arbitrary thoughts others might think and feel when they think or feel things about us?
Insecurity is simply our reaction to one of the only things we have absolutely no control over, and that is the way other people think about us and perceive us and judge us.
And as you ponder that, I promise you one more thing. Most of us have used several or all of the five methods listed at the top of this post for dealing with our insecurities. Most of us use a mix of them every single day. I know I have and sometimes still do.
As I look at it, there are five different types of insecure people:
Those who tackle their insecurities with humor.
Those who wrap themselves in positivity and pretend they have no insecurities.
Those who verbally (and constantly) doubt themselves and put themselves down.
Those who make up all sorts of fabulous stories and tales about themselves that aren’t true.
And, the much harder to spot insecure people – those who act out of insecurity to try and cover up.
But before I go on, it should be noted that we all have insecurities. We all have areas of our lives in which we aren’t 100% confident. We are all insecure people, in one way or another. There is nothing wrong with that. It is an important part of the human experience.
I tend to tackle my insecurities with bold humor…. as you all know!
I’m also not the kind of person who pretends she has no insecurities. You know, the “perma-positive, nothing can ever get me down because I’m in charge of my own destiny and my own happiness, therefore there is no room in my life for insecurities” kind of person.
And I’m most thankful for is that I’m not the kind of insecure person that tends to act out of insecurity when I do experience it…anymore. Seeing how ugly it makes a person.
Now, I don’t use the word “act” lightly. It has two meanings to me when I use it.
First, it means that it’s a person who pretends to be someone he’s not.
Second, it means that it’s a person who is actually exerting energy to do something.
These people and their insecurities are often hard to pin down and identify because so much of their lives is one giant deflection from the truth, and they’ll almost certainly deny it if you call them out on it. But stick with me, and I will offer you a guide that will help you decipher many of the ways I’ve found to tell when someone is acting out of insecurity.
They will tell you how ugly they think other people are.
Someone who is insecure about their looks will often point to someone across the room, or across the gym, or on their phone screen, and point just out how ugly they think they are, or what all their faults are, or how awful their clothes are. Trust me. This is because they themselves are insecure. People who are okay with themselves never have a need to point out the physical faults or fashion transgressions of others. Ever.
They will publicly denigrate those they were once close to.
Someone who is insecure about how they’ve acted or treated someone else will publicly defame or bad-mouth that other person (we’ve all seen it on Facebook), and even worse, they will offer only one side of the story. Theirs. But there are two sides to every pancake (no matter how thin) and I guarantee anyone who does this knows a doozy of another side that they really don’t want seen or heard. Trust me. People who didn’t have a major part in the demise of said friendship or relationship have no need to defame the person from their past. Ever.
They will brag. Often.
Someone who is insecure about how much they have accomplished in their lives, or in their careers, or in their relationships, or in their goals, will brag about everything they have done or accomplished. Constantly. This is not to be confused with confidence. Confidence is when you refuse to belittle your own accomplishments to make others feel better. Bragging is when you want others to feel worse about their own so you hype up yours. Trust me. People who are okay with where their life is at, where it’s going, and what they’ve accomplished so far, have no need to brag. Ever.
They will always make an excuse when they trample on other people.
Someone who knows that they are treating other people’s time and relationships as disposable will always have a “really good excuse” (and rarely an apology) as to why they always show up half an hour late, or why they don’t treat their friends and family better, or why they talk bad behind your back. Their excuses are always somehow noble and if you question them, it is you who becomes the jerk. Trust me. People who genuinely care about you, your relationship, your time, and your trust have no reason to treat you like that. Ever.
They will tell you things about people you love that is none of your business.
The most insecure people will always find a way to lay out awful and random details about other people’s lives at your feet when you least expect it. It is their attempt at deflecting any negative thought you could have about them before you have the chance to have it. Trust me. People who aren’t afraid that you are judging them and their lives have no need to gossip about other people and share hurtful information about them. Ever.
They will be a bad loser when they lose.
There is nothing this type of insecure person hates more than losing. At anything. And when they do lose, they will tell you all sorts of reasons why their loss isn’t really a loss, or why it wasn’t fair, or why the other person had an imbalanced advantage, or how they know that the other person was cheating. Trust me. People who don’t define themselves by the times that they lose at things, and people who understand that nobody can win at everything, have no need to do anything but put out their hand and say “good game” (or the equivalent of it) when they lose.
Even worse, they will be a bad winner when they win.
Someone who rubs in their win (outside of a playful smack-talk setting), or who tells you every way you went wrong to lose to them, or who goes around telling everyone else about your loss, is an insecure bad winner. They are either preemptively striking your next win, or they are covering up their past losses, or they are attempting to squelch any doubt others obviously might now have about their abilities. Trust me. Good winners have no need to do anything but put out their hand and say “good game”(or the equivalent of it) when they do win.
They will constantly compare everything negative they see in the world to their exes.
Someone who is insecure about their past romantic relationships, or how those relationships ended, will constantly point out negative things they spot in other people or other relationships and make sure you know that their ex used to do those things, or that their ex used to say those things, or that their ex is “just like that.” Trust me. People who are working on themselves and have chalked up their break-ups to learning experiences, have no need to constantly tie their exes to negative behavior they are currently seeing. Ever.
They will refuse to see the positive in those that intimidate them most.
Both light and darkness exist in us all. Positive and negative. Strength and weakness. And even though sometimes it seems like it, there is no person on earth who is all one and none the other, I promise you. Someone who is intimidated by another’s greatness, light, or achievement, though, will work seemingly endlessly to bring that other person down. They will ceaselessly search for and point out to others the negatives and the weaknesses within those who make them feel most unconfident, and they will not, under any circumstances ever acknowledge the goodness that also exists. Trust me. People who know that they themselves are a beautiful balance of the good and the bad, and people who understand that others are a beautiful balance of the same, have no need to find only the negative in others. Ever.
They will eternally pin you into the mistakes of your past.
Some people feel so defined by their past mistakes and their past failures that they refuse to ever let you move past yours. They search for any moment in time where you were less than perfect or where you made a mistake, and they will attempt to make everyone label you by that mistake forever more. They will not see any of the great things you have been, done, or accomplished since. Trust me. People whose past mistakes don’t haunt them and define them have no reason to hold onto your past mistakes. Ever.
Humor is a beautiful way to deal with fear, and isn’t that what insecurity really is? Isn’t it just… fear?
Fear of the judgments of others? Fear of the arbitrary thoughts others might think and feel when they think or feel things about us?
Insecurity is simply our reaction to one of the only things we have absolutely no control over, and that is the way other people think about us and perceive us and judge us.
And as you ponder that, I promise you one more thing. Most of us have used several or all of the five methods listed at the top of this post for dealing with our insecurities. Most of us use a mix of them every single day. I know I have and sometimes still do.